i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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