i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
