Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
