Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
