loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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