tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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