Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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