I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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