I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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