Can i not drive my cunt home
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
