i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
