Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
