Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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