I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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