I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
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i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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