Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
