Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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