Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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