Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
