I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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