My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
