Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
