from now on my penis is your penis
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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