i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
