Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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