i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
