Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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