I faked an abortion last night.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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