PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
