woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
