i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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