apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
