I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
