i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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