hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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