My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
