is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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