i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
