So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
