There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
