She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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