i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i came on her dog
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
