im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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