Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
