My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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