96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Shame is for Republicans.
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