Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.