Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
