He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
