Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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