You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
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I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
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I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon