He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
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She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight