Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
