i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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