Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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