my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
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my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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