Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
