My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
